I have to admit that on most days, the first thing I look at when I check out Facebook are the memories for my profile and most days I love it. I get a glimpse into how much the boy is growing up and a reminder of things that we have done together and other sweet memories.
But then there are days, just like today when there is that one memory post that hits you right in the gut. It’s a memory you wish you could forget. Memories that remind you of how far you have come, but what brought you to this moment in the first place.
It was 10 years ago this month that my marriage came to an end. Although in hindsight, it shouldn’t have been a shock to me, but at that moment in time it hit me totally out of left field. I remember writing that post above and thinking at that moment of all the things I wished I had could have done differently not to have been in that situation.
My son was only 6 months old, and although never diagnosed, I am pretty sure I was suffering from moderate PPD, and add to that my marriage was over and the walls came crumbling down around me. I was made to have felt that it was all my fault and wondered what I could have done differently.
I took to Facebook as a way to connect with friends for support and find an outlet to try and make sense of a world that made absolutely no sense to me at the time. And at the time, reaching out made me feel like I could get through it all.
And of course I did. I am here now, much stronger of a women than I ever thought I could be. I’ve gotten past what was done to me and if truth be told, if I weren’t for my son, I would have walked away from that time and life and never ever looked back. There is no regret, I have said so many times that I would go through the heartache and upset a million times over just to have my son, but there are still days that flashing back to those memories aren’t what I need to see some days.
What thing these memories do help with however, are to remind me that without a shadow of a doubt it was not all my fault and no matter what I had said or done probably never would have changed the inevitable outcome. And these reminders are somewhat freeing and uplifting.
But on days when I am feeling the least bit low or not totally on my game, they aren’t exactly the memories I want to relive. So as much as I love you Facebook memories on most days, today I there’s a bit of hate in me.